problem

i know this situation,

for I have been here before.

charming man with a killer smile and an expiration date

perfect for me to scoop up

& impossible to keep in my hands

like warm sand on a cold beach

he speaks my first tongue

and I master it for him

ojos oscuros, cabello castaño, y unos labios

besándome, que me llevan…

in a trance I willingly

dive in, foolishly

I am immersed, seduced

deeper and even more

unconcerned, not thinking

that I may end up having a hard time

coming up for air,

without fear.

i recognize, as the pressure hits my head

the deeper i go, the dangerous it gets

and the more beautiful too.

 

 

 

 

unrequited

what would it feel like to hold you in my arms again?

what will you smell like when you are older?

where can I find eyes like yours?

who can ever smile the way you smiled at me?

and how can I know that for a brief moment you loved me too?

unfinished

when there is a glimmer of love left in a romance

smeared on a dinner plate like hummus without any fresh pita

like sweet, room temperature milk left after a bowl of cereal

like taking sips of cold cup of coffee on a warm, bright morning

almost there, but not quite.

so close to becoming a memory yet still so present

surrounded by the sadness of knowing it could have been great

like a chemist trusting a formula that has already been proven false

or a writer refusing to write because they there is only blue ink

knowing that words are words despite color

I think of a lover who is perfect on paper

yet in person I long to write of another.

like a book left behind on a train car,

i have no intention of finishing.

mosquito

I may or may not surrender myself to a life eaten alive by mosquitos/

in a sunny place, somewhere, where there is grass to rest my body on

laying still thinking about what was and what is

what could or could never be

wondering, in my lost and found.

mosquitos love my blood

it is full-favored

and I’m generous

i let them suck the life out of me,

knowing that they too will be sucked up by something.

i am generous with my blood

but if i am not in the mood to be eaten alive

i can vibrate on a frequency that signals

STAY THE FUCK AWAY

yet

when i do, i go home and look for places that ive been bitten

and feel disappointed, untouched.

i love a good itch and a good touch,

on a spot that only a curious lover

or a mosquito can find.

those spots.

where a bump settles and acid build ups

and inflames my skin.

protection to ensure that my healing is secure.

because healing is good.

open letters

the words are itching to come out.

eager, ready, charged

to tell the story of the manchild, who loves sunflowers, beans

and sad pop songs

the me who i know i be..

wise, charming, jovial

sensitive

:}{:

its always about me. why?

BECAUSE

I like me, and i know others who like me

and

i still very much like you.

you, who my thoughts desire most

you, who spoke to me so sweetly

you, who always asks why?

you, who I play with often in my chamber of thoughts

you, who i’ve created in my life

how is it that i created you in my life and you’re currently not as present as I’d like you to be?

oh sweet things, we had fun.

i feel like i learned a lot around you,

i am what i am & it is what it is.

so ya, i know we gots lots to discover, so bring it on.

:}{:

where are you buddy?

doesn’t it feel like im cancelling you out.

when is it time to end something?

when is it time to put a great friend on a back burner and let it sit forever?

i hope never.

friend, i love you & i’ll catch you in a bit.

keep going and going.

:}{:

i know, time is creeping up on us.

but you too, trust me

we got time boo

:}{:

the main event

so i wanna be a, artiste, creator, optimist

and i admire those who do things like such

and are successful

& i have tons of ideas

like, i can be a writer

i really enjoy collage art

i love to be active

i can be spiritual

what i am saying is that i wanna start building a basis for my ideal lifestyle

[start living my dreams]

:}{:

the cops are outside, the cops are inside

cops are everywhere.

so be alert, be cautious

and stay aware.

:}{:

why is it that i believe in so much & i don’t even know what i am doing?

does it get easier?

what can i understand?

is this real?

show me a sign that illustrates how i can seriously feel my way through something desired

and see it play out in my life?

is this cult thinking?

don’t answer that//

:}{:

they cut down the weeping willows in front of the church you see everyday

those were beautiful trees

in the night, the moon light would cast them so nicely

they captured all the light.

beautifully framed.

it was a sight to see.

especially when the leaves fell!

it makes me smile, the memories of them.

and i’ll do just fine

:}{:

sincerely, Donald

xx

Permission to Love

He’s young and he learning. He hasn’t reached the quarter of his life but he feels like he’s much older. The boy is wise and brilliant.

I want to hold him, remind him of his value. Tell him that I love him so.

He’s gotten closer to me, he finds me when he needs me most.

I see him rendezvous with lovers. Basking in the opportunity to fall for something. Anything,

That has potential, if not he’ll find it. Searching for the feeling of connection.

he has the power to reminds someone of how lovable they can be.

He gives it his all. And then some, as if he already knows that the ocean of love is unlimited.

He loves to the degree where it boils over. To the bone. To a foreign place where he has to apologize for loving so much.

sorry? Why? And for what reason?

i can’t help myself when I see you truly, even in times when you don’t see your own light. Sorry that I love you even when you are submerged in your own darkness. I love you anyway. 

He observes other relationships and he can appreciate the beauty in them. He’s had a habit of entertaining thoughts that go against the grain and keep him in a place of wonder and longing.

I’ve told him the key is appreciation.

And I’ll tell him as many times as I have to.

I follow him wherever he goes, hoping that in those moments of appreciation he can look to me and see the love i have waiting for him.

I expect him to contact me. I expect him to drop all thoughts of other lovers and love me.

Here with me, he has no reason to apologize for the love he has to offer.

He needn’t ask if its okay, or if this feel goods.

There is no question that he is my one and only.

I love him more than any boy he’s ever kissed can.

I would never dare question his intentions. Even if they sounded like it came from a hurtful place.

I know,

that is not really him.

I see him, every morning

when he wakes, shuffling in bed, distracted by the early thoughts that come to him,

in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, I stare at him through the mirror. calling for him.

When I do catch his gaze, sometimes for even a split second. I remind him.

he looks back at me, sees what I see. and doesn’t always believe it.

and I forgive him immediately because I know one day and many days after that

he’ll give in, he’ll give up. he’ll give himself to me.

It’ll be so much fun, to play along side him. To feel his constant tending to me.

to stroke him into serenity. to talk to him whenever he needs me.

i love him so much and i want him to swim with me.

i want him to dive in.

no longer grazing the shore, getting his toes wet. I want his whole being inside with me.

I want this love to drown him.

he’ll never have to ask if everything is alright, or apologize for being all that he is.

i love him just as he is.

and I won’t stop until he loves me in return.

it’ll be delicious.

Saturday morning with my mind.

mom and bro just got back from doing laundry.

it’s a Saturday morning, I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast.

bowls.

I’m tired, yawning. Still kind of hungry.

my mom was hatting with me about something. all i could think is how much i miss my boy.

i sent him a text, he hasn’t responded yet.

i like him & he likes me.

its good stuff.

& we are doing something fun tonight.

this is love,

truly.

somehow, someday,

i see myself making something out of these emotions.

and thoughts

like,

a song, a collection of poems, a painting

really,

i feel that i am capable of that

how can i express my love to myself?

i want to gain body mass. i feel that i am too skinny.

i want to be a meaty boy.

a sexy, meaty boy.

with a dashing smile, confidence, kisses.

the tub

the day was grey, it was snowing i wasn’t feeling my best and i didn’t know why

i took off my clothes, rolled out my mat and sat on my feet

i brought my thoughts back to a couple minutes before

“in the bathroom. looking at a body in the glass”

naked, gazing at my tattoos, kissing my own shoulders, saying three words, “…”

finding meaning.

i wanted it. from him.

from myself, from a body.

i wanted to come.

 

i brought my attention to my breath

i heard footsteps and the turn of a knob

“i’m inspired to get into the bath”

i get up and make my way

the water running on very hot, i close the door behind me

the mirror fogs up, i can see my outline

the tub is occupied

i climb in anyway, trusting that the water will create space for me

i find a spot that doesn’t satisfy

i’m overcome with jealousy

i’m in the water but not fully submerged

i’d like to swim in here

too.

i play along, get into the flow

i surrender and go.

Has a relationship ever changed your life?

Surely,

All relationships change my life.

once I met a boy at a lemonade stand during a summer in New York City,

first boyfriend in the city. Mid-July, anything but Starbucks coffee, burgers, lemonade, gin and tonics, and codfish salads. That boy knew how to make a codfish salad.

That was part of our last date, a picnic and a movie at Bryant Park, with a delicious codfish salad.

he was also my first HIV + boyfriend.

he took me out to drinks after I was done running a lemonade stand for a fundraiser.

It started with me yelling…

“Lemonade, Lemonade, have some ice cream and Lemonade!!”

he found it adorable.

I thought he was crazy, especially since he was on his fourth cup of my lemonade

we went to an empty gay bar in Greenwich Village and partied-down on gin and tonics.

he was a real sweetie. blonde, blue eyed, facial hair. total babe.

i went home with him that night, it was late and i missed my train back to Jersey

he promised that he wouldn’t pressure me into anything.

so we cuddled, kissed, innocently felt each other up in the night.

in the morning, i got up. we decided on a local coffee shop for breakfast.

he handed me my very own toothbrush and once I finished I moved to the other room to get dressed

“shirt is on, pants are on” and while looking for my socks

I glanced upon a pill container that read “Kaletra”

i knew immediately, i didn’t want to know,

i felt like i was being intrusive just by knowing

thoughts began clouding my head

he comes out and i’m able to regain myself

we walk out together, i’m holding on to his arm and thinking as I am walking

“maybe I should say something, or ask, it’s probably a friend’s..”

just then, he stops and asks me to listen

he told me he really liked where this was going, he loved that he met me and

“I just want to let you know that I’m HIV +”

i felt a sense of relief.

I acted like my best self. I thanked him for telling me. and that it wasn’t a problem.

just as long as we were safe.

he agreed and i loved him.

From then on, my perspective on sexually transmitted diseases changed.

we had coffee and cookies for breakfast.

that morning and many mornings after,

until Summer came to a close.

who are you and why are you here?

If someone were to ask me this in real life, I wouldn’t know how to answer without thinking about a thousand different incorrect answers.

I am Donald S. Colindres and I have no idea why I’m here.

I’ve always liked writing, I like the idea of being a creative writer, I can write anything down and those are my words. I wrote them.

I began to blog instead of writing in my personal  journal because I like the idea of physically writing in a journal but my mind seems to flow with ease on a typing pad.

I have been unemployed for two months now. I am a college graduate. I feel dumb, although I act like I’m smart. I nod my head yes to things I have not a clue about.

I like the saying “Fake it till you make it”

Although sometimes making it isn’t as fun as I once hoped.

I am trying to cope. I feel emotional today, it’s a Full Moon tomorrow and I’m a Cancer with a Capricorn moon and a Scorpio rising so I suspect something is going on.

Just this morning I made a lame attempt at trying to get my lover to play with me in the sheets and his disinterest made me question…is still making me question myself.

He said it’s going to be okay so I’ll just fake it till I’m actually okay.

I wish I had more confidence in myself, perhaps writing will inch me closer to that.

Am I a good writer?