Has a relationship ever changed your life?

Surely,

All relationships change my life.

once I met a boy at a lemonade stand during a summer in New York City,

first boyfriend in the city. Mid-July, anything but Starbucks coffee, burgers, lemonade, gin and tonics, and codfish salads. That boy knew how to make a codfish salad.

That was part of our last date, a picnic and a movie at Bryant Park, with a delicious codfish salad.

he was also my first HIV + boyfriend.

he took me out to drinks after I was done running a lemonade stand for a fundraiser.

It started with me yelling…

“Lemonade, Lemonade, have some ice cream and Lemonade!!”

he found it adorable.

I thought he was crazy, especially since he was on his fourth cup of my lemonade

we went to an empty gay bar in Greenwich Village and partied-down on gin and tonics.

he was a real sweetie. blonde, blue eyed, facial hair. total babe.

i went home with him that night, it was late and i missed my train back to Jersey

he promised that he wouldn’t pressure me into anything.

so we cuddled, kissed, innocently felt each other up in the night.

in the morning, i got up. we decided on a local coffee shop for breakfast.

he handed me my very own toothbrush and once I finished I moved to the other room to get dressed

“shirt is on, pants are on” and while looking for my socks

I glanced upon a pill container that read “Kaletra”

i knew immediately, i didn’t want to know,

i felt like i was being intrusive just by knowing

thoughts began clouding my head

he comes out and i’m able to regain myself

we walk out together, i’m holding on to his arm and thinking as I am walking

“maybe I should say something, or ask, it’s probably a friend’s..”

just then, he stops and asks me to listen

he told me he really liked where this was going, he loved that he met me and

“I just want to let you know that I’m HIV +”

i felt a sense of relief.

I acted like my best self. I thanked him for telling me. and that it wasn’t a problem.

just as long as we were safe.

he agreed and i loved him.

From then on, my perspective on sexually transmitted diseases changed.

we had coffee and cookies for breakfast.

that morning and many mornings after,

until Summer came to a close.

who are you and why are you here?

If someone were to ask me this in real life, I wouldn’t know how to answer without thinking about a thousand different incorrect answers.

I am Donald S. Colindres and I have no idea why I’m here.

I’ve always liked writing, I like the idea of being a creative writer, I can write anything down and those are my words. I wrote them.

I began to blog instead of writing in my personal  journal because I like the idea of physically writing in a journal but my mind seems to flow with ease on a typing pad.

I have been unemployed for two months now. I am a college graduate. I feel dumb, although I act like I’m smart. I nod my head yes to things I have not a clue about.

I like the saying “Fake it till you make it”

Although sometimes making it isn’t as fun as I once hoped.

I am trying to cope. I feel emotional today, it’s a Full Moon tomorrow and I’m a Cancer with a Capricorn moon and a Scorpio rising so I suspect something is going on.

Just this morning I made a lame attempt at trying to get my lover to play with me in the sheets and his disinterest made me question…is still making me question myself.

He said it’s going to be okay so I’ll just fake it till I’m actually okay.

I wish I had more confidence in myself, perhaps writing will inch me closer to that.

Am I a good writer?